Well, exactly one year ago I was laying in a room in the SECU house in Chapel Hill, watching District 9, contemplating the doctor’s appointment I would face with Evan the next day. He was asleep beside me. Addi was at our house three hours away with him mom. We were going to find out what his new tumor was exactly–he had had a biopsy on July 10th and the results were in. I was feeling overwhelmed and nervous and I wanted to write so I could have an outlet. I wanted to create a voice for things I felt I couldn’t say and for things Evan couldn’t say or didn’t want to say (relaying news to family across the country was a rough task, let alone when you were dropping the C word left and right).
So, here it is one year later from restarting this blog and repurposing it. I am sitting here now on a new couch in a new place. A rescue dog is asleep beside me and Addi is asleep in the bedroom. I have pictures now. And memories. And emotions. I am so glad I have those memories and those pictures, but I wish I still had him. Nothing makes this easier and sometimes when I look back on those moments it is harder because I am slammed with the reality that Evan was an amazing man, but he is no longer here.
It’s just a hard fact to have to face every time I open up and think about the memories. I read something not long ago that said that hardest part about grieving and moving forward is that you want to live in the past. I feel so torn most of the time because that is true: the past holds my life with Evan, but I have our daughter, she is the present and the future…all I can do is try to find a balance
No snuggling to be had tonight unlike a year ago, unless it is with Addi, which at this particular moment sounds like a solid idea. I remember cuddling to Evan and crying into his back while he slept. I was so scared of the news we would get. I was scared of what it would mean for him and for our family. I was scared of exactly what happened but I never thought it would happen so soon. Yet here I am. Sitting on the couch, crying into his old NTI shirt. So, on that note….happy blogiversary everyone…I’m calling it a night…