The week coming up will no doubt be a difficult one for several reasons. I know Addi’s birthday will always be the hardest day to face the loss of Evan (which is in October), but last year it had been so soon after he passed that I was still numb and in shock. That is how I have spent the better part of the last eleven months.
Slowly, I have been coming out of this numbness a little and feeling like me again; I am connecting with Addi daily and that is everything. I have a job and am finishing up my masters degree. Although I am staying busy and on a path I was on before Evan got sick it is this heavy reminder that now, still on that path, but it is emptier because I am on it without him.
Our birthdays are coming up. Sunday and Thursday. We tried to do something on each day, an activity, creating a new memory, and would go out on the 4th to eat. Last year Evan and I discussed the possibility of going sky diving. He talked about going several times and had me talked into it, but last year when we discussed it he let me bail out saying we would do it when we turned thirty. I remember crying to the neurosurgeon that told me Evan wouldn’t be coming home that he didn’t get to go sky diving. He had let me talk him into delaying it; he let me think we had more time, he let himself think that.
How much do we put off thinking we have more time? Why do we do that? It just creates regret in a new way. Regret that something is left undone or unsaid. I don’t want to live like that and I sure as hell don’t want Addi or the ones I care about to live like that because tomorrow is not guaranteed. I don’t want to put off living. I have to embrace it because Evan isn’t able to. He doesn’t get that chance or that option anymore and it hurts, and I have to do something about it.
I wanted to skydive on his birthday, but it is on a Thursday and everyone is working and I want Addi to see me do it. I suppose the day it is on doesn’t matter so much as that I do it. That I take that jump, literally; that I feel that I followed through on another thing I promised we would do. I just wish he was here
to go with me…