Today is a day that will never leave me. One year ago I told my best friend it was time for him to rest. I told the father of my child I would watch over our daughter and take care of her as long as I lived. I told my husband I would carry our love with me to help me get through every day after. I told the most significant person in my life that I had chosen and that had chosen me…I told him it was ok. That I would be ok.
Here I am a year later. Sometimes I believe it, but I am not the same; I am not ok. I spent some time looking back on pictures of Evan and Addi and I from the time when we first moved to Mooresville and he started school: long before he began to fall ill again and we found out about his glioblastoma. It was such a beautiful life and those memories are so precious. I will cling to them when those memories filled with sorrow creep up on me. I will try to. But, most of the time I feel like I am a completely different person; I feel like there is a front that everyone sees that shows who I was that shows I am ok. But I’m not. It feels like that life was never mine because it was gone so quickly. So much has happened in the last year and a half; sometimes it is difficult to remember those good times.
Here it is a year later. Sometimes I believe I am ok, but I am not the same and I never will be and that is what is truly ok. Evan changed me in so many ways. He changed my life. He made it have so much more meaning and I miss the hell out of him. I always will. And THAT is ok because he is worth it. All of the pain I feel has a silver lining because feeling this way means I loved someone so passionately and so completely.