Addi is now five. I have married again and have a son now.
I remember thinking about this and being in disbelief that it would happen; however, life has continued on.
Addi has been gaining a better understanding of death lately. Or at least she is more cognizant of it. I knew this would happen, and yet I didn’t prepare for these conversations. How do you talk to a five year old about death? Especially when not religious? I have been thinking a lot about this, but often fall short of how the conversation should go until I am looking at a teary-eyed little girl that misses her dad.
I decided to look up glioblastomas just now. Addi knows that Evan died because of a growth or bump in his brain. I was just curious as to what the actual survival rate was. I looked this up once after he was diagnosed and I remember sitting beside him and reading two years with treatment. I walked out of the room bursting into tears and talked to my sister, who was four hours away, on a hill in my backyard just bawling. I never brought it up to him.
I was so naive to think the outcome would be different. 8%. 8 % is the chance of being a 5-year survivor with a glioblastoma. And now I spend the nights when Chris, my husband, is at work and it is just Addi, me and my nine-month old, telling her Daddy Evan is always with us and in our heart. I am not writing this from a sad perspective, just thinking about how important it is to be informed and realistic.
I remember writing an entry about being an advocate for yourself or your loved one; you must also be an informed advocate. This should be obvious advice; however, sometimes in situations like terminal illness we forget the obvious.