Still Here

I want to try to write more.  It is difficult to write in my own journal, let alone figure out what I want to type for others to see.  Grieving is difficult and personal in many ways, so when I decide I am ready to write it is often hard to figure out what to say–probably because it is difficult to figure out how I feel or what I am thinking.  I know this is a “normal” part of the grieving process and I am ok with not knowing how I feel or what I think about a certain situation.  So, you have to bear with my thoughts tonight. They are all over the place normally which is another reason it is difficult to try to write for others, typically I try to have my thoughts progress from one idea to the next….

Evan and I’s anniversary was a couple of weeks ago, July 3rd.  It was a great day of celebrating, just as it was when we got married.  Of course, the day would have been better with Evan, but damned if Addison did not remind me of him in multiple ways throughout the day.  I decided to take Addi to a water park.  Evan and I loved going to water parks when we lived in Washington and went to an indoor water park in Concord, NC last February.  There was a huge water slide called The Super Bowl that Evan talked me into going on at the indoor park while Bryce, his brother, watched Addi.  It was thrilling and when I saw it was at this particular water park I had a feeling I needed to go down it.  Just as I was thinking this I saw a woman and her young son get spit out at the bottom of the slide.  After verifying he was around Addi’s age I asked Addi what she thought and with a huge smile she said “come on Mama; let’s do this!”  So we did…three different times and it would have been more if the line didn’t grow as the sun came out.  It was a blast.  Evan would have had a blast going down the slides with her.

She is fearless just like him.

She is the evidence of the love Evan and I will always share.

Our birthdays are approaching now and I am trying to decide Addi and I’s next adventure.  I am seriously contemplating skydiving-of course Addi will have to sit this out for a while.  This was top of Evan’s To-Do and I talked him out of doing it last year on his birthday…part of me thinks I will make this a birthday ritual….I will [try to] keep you posted, literally, as to what unfolds…

In other news….

I started going to a grief counseling group that is composed of people that have lost their spouse.  It has been helpful to listen to what others are going through and for the next meeting we are supposed to bring in items to explore the importance of reminiscing.  Part of me is dreading this meeting.  I look at photos of Evan and videos and I cry because I miss him so much and I know it is going to be overwhelming listening and seeing others go through that process too.

If you are dealing with the loss of a loved one you may be surprised to find how helpful group sessions like this one can be though.  The counseling group is held by Hospice, and although Evan was not in Hospice when he passed, I am still able to attend the meetings.  I promise to write more about this later.  The rest of the night will be dedicated to Pinterest and Hulu….

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The passage of time has been so cruel.  I look back and can’t believe how quickly our time went by, and without you…well, it seems to creep to a halt most days.  Sometimes it feels like just yesterday that we were talking and laughing and happy and then a moment later it seems like it has been a hundred years….I miss you and love you always Ev.