Ok

Today is a day that will never leave me.  One year ago I told my best friend it was time for him to rest.  I told the father of my child I would watch over our daughter and take care of her as long as I lived.  I told my husband I would carry our love with me to help me get through every day after.  I told the most significant person in my life that I had chosen and that had chosen me…I told him it was ok.  That I would be ok.

Here I am a year later.  Sometimes I believe it, but I am not the same; I am not ok.  I spent some time looking back on pictures of Evan and Addi and I from the time when we first moved to Mooresville and he started school: long before he began to fall ill again and we found out about his glioblastoma.  It was such a beautiful life and those memories are so precious.  I will cling to them when those memories filled with sorrow creep up on me.  I will try to.  But, most of the time I feel like I am a completely different person; I feel like there is a front that everyone sees that shows who I was that shows I am ok.  But I’m not.  It feels like that life was never mine because it was gone so quickly.  So much has happened in the last year and a half; sometimes it is difficult to remember those good times.

Here it is a year later.  Sometimes I believe I am ok, but I am not the same and I never will be and that is what is truly ok.  Evan changed me in so many ways.  He changed my life.  He made it have so much more meaning and I miss the hell out of him.  I always will.  And THAT is ok because he is worth it.  All of the pain I feel has a silver lining because feeling this way means I loved someone so passionately and so completely.

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ER visit

Well I knew it was bound to happen at some point.  Addi is a two year old in daycare and last night was the night.  Emergency Room visit.  This was the first time she had to go, but a temperature of 105 is no time to mess around and develop anxiety over my fear/memories that await in a hospital room.

Evan was in and out of the hospital ever since I was three months pregnant.  The last time I went to the emergency room was the last time Evan went to the hospital.  It’s been over six months and I could feel my anxiety build as I drove to the ER.  Addi was fine, not even awake really so I didn’t need to speed like a bat out of hell, although I am sure Evan would have wanted me to.  I was able to stay calm and collected…until Addi, in the middle of crying, exclaimed that she wanted her daddy.  I just smoothed her hair down and told her I did too.  I am sure the nurse thought I was reacting to my daughter being in the hospital. I didn’t feel the need to make myself cry harder so I didn’t say anything. What is there to tell a stranger? Sorry I am freaking out over here, it’s just that she’s never been to the emergency room and I could really use her dad but he can’t be here because he had cancer…yeah, that would have really calmed me down…I pulled it together before the doctor came in. Addi’s temp was down and the symptoms seemed to reflect a bout of the flu. I waited for the discharge papers to be drawn up and rocked Addi in the spare chair in the room. I couldn’t help but be overcome with emotions just looking at the damn bed. I don’t know how many times I stared at the stupid lever that controls the bed. I would often rest my forehead on the rail and hold Evan’s hand when he was in the hospital. Addi heard me crying and looked at me, took both of my cheeks in her hands and told me “it’s ok Mama, just breathe.” She then gave me a kiss and put her head back on my chest.

That little girl never ceases to amaze me. She got a dose of temaflu, which she promptly regurgitated once we were back on the road to our house in the wee hours of the morning. I was told to take her home and let her rest and to monitor her temperature, which has been up and down all day.

I knew a trip to the hospital would come. I knew it would be difficult, but I am strong because of everything Evan and I went through. And so is Addi. We managed to get in and out without too much trouble. We are a force to be reckoned with; that’s for damn sure.

Ev

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Evan Charles Myrtle, age 27, entered this world on August 6, 1987 and departed this world for the next on September 11, 2014.

Evan was able to make people laugh easily, love freely and learn that life is what you make of it.  Come sunshine or stormy weather he was there for those he loved.  He lived loud and wasn’t afraid to speak his mind, which may have landed him into trouble a time or two.  He loved fiercely and held those dear to him close to his heart. Without hesitation, Evan would help a friend in trouble or a stranger in need, and all of those in between.

Evan brought people together from all walks of life.  He was born in Washington, grew up in Maine and ended up in North Carolina after getting married.  Evan’s spirit is carried on through his daughter, Addison Rose, age 2, and in the hearts of those he loved: wife Kari Myrtle, brother Bryce Locke, mother Tammy Craw, father Craig Myrtle, his other mother Mary Jo Myrtle and many in-laws, nieces, nephews, friends and family too numerous to list but not forgotten.  He is reunited with his sister Kyraa Locke, uncle Duane Myrtle, grandma Kathleen Myrtle and grandpa Louis Craw.  

There will be a celebration of life in Maine and Washington for his friends and family to gather and recount some of their fondest memories, with details to come.  Evan will always be deeply loved and sorely missed.   

“Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal.”  He meant so much to so many; please come share your stories.

Silence

I’ve been silent on here for the last few days and today of all days when I need to be heard I don’t know what to say.

Evan had a seizure this morning, the first one in six months. But, it seems as though it hasn’t stopped and he has an infection that is doing some heavy damage. I am looking at him right now and holing his hand but he isn’t squeezing back. He is in intensive care and I’m here, but my mind has left me.

I know the idea was to use this blog to vent and explain what was going on but even though I have written a paragraph or two I don’t have the words to capture the situation or the emotions or my thoughts.