When I look at your pictures, it takes my breath away. I am hit with the overwhelming feeling of missing you and then it happens again because I am reminded of the love we share and how evident that is. Addi is a constant reminder. My heart is a reminder. My memory is a reminder. And I am torn. For that moment I am torn because I love you and I miss you but I don’t want you to be here and in pain…but damned if being without you isn’t the hardest thing possible. I am tempted to say it is harder for me than it was for you. It is so hard to go on without you, but I know you are with me still. I believe it in my heart. I see it in our daughter. I have to believe it because it is the only way I can go on.
I finally went to see a grief counselor last week. She just let me spill my heart along with everything that had happened since losing Evan, since we found out about his cancer…hell since we met. To be honest, I cried before she even asked me about Evan. We went into a room and she handed me a form to fill out while she went to grab something. The form was for HIPPA and a quick questionnaire that asked me things like if I had been dealing with drug/alcohol abuse, weight loss/gain, suicidal thoughts, etc. (which I haven’t been thanks to my daughter). When I was done I sat there and looked at some of the books on her shelf and got teary. I was just so anxious. I had only been to a therapist a few times when my parents separated when I was nine. I am twenty-seven dealing with the loss of my spouse. I didn’t know what to expect, or how to feel. I just had such an overwhelming feeling of so much all at once so when she entered I just started to cry. I couldn’t help it. I was just so anxious and my emotions were so built up that the tears just sprang forth.
And then, she let me talk about everything that happened for nearly two hours. I was exhausted. I picked Addi up from my grandma’s after and begged Addi to nap with me. It was so much all at once, but it was helpful and I am thankful to the bereavement counselor and for my friend that got me the info to start going. I am signed up for a group session that will meet at the end of June and discuss losing a spouse. I am sure I will have similar overwhelming feelings, but I know all of this is “normal” or at least my new normal–the type where everything is out the door. I am just happy I have Addi with me to give me strength. It is a reminder of the love Evan and I have and the strength that that has always given me. I hope she can be a reminder for everyone else that loved Evan. I know that is a lot to put on such a little girl, but Addi is a beacon of happiness and love and strength. She will draw her own power from that. This I know, just as I know Evan will always be with us.