The measurement of time is so misguided. We look at something and say oh man, an hour, psh, I can make it through an hour. A day of waiting? Sure, no problem.
It has been so long. Time has slowly crept by, and yet it hasn’t stopped. The world hasn’t stopped and I still don’t understand how. How have I changed so much in the last five years, hell the last six months? How can I feel and be so different and yet so many carry on as though he was never here. I carry on everyday in some manner; I’ve refused to submit to depression. Most days I even smile. I have Addi. But damned if it doesn’t hurt. Behind every smile and laugh is a jagged knife that is torturous. A retching in my gut because I can’t share my reasons for smiling with Evan. I don’t get to call him and hear his voice on my way home from work or when I need to figure out a dinner idea because I am at the store or when I am upset with someone or some injustice in the world… Where there was his embrace and gentle smile is now a ragged pillow. Where there was his laughter and stories is now silence.
Addison, our daughter, is now two. She is the light and the laughter and the only way I draw strength in order to press on. If it wasn’t for Addi I can honestly say I don’t know where I would be right now. She is so much like Evan. She is so much like me. It is so difficult to see her cut her eyes or make some of her faces because she looks exactly like Evan. She is so compassionate and caring. She is so funny and loving. And one day I have to explain to her the way that the world works, taking those closest to us without rhyme or reason. I have to share memories and moments in my journal because I don’t get to enjoy them with Evan. I have to keep my shit together to show her how much I love her and I love her father. I owe it all to them. They are and will always be worth it all. All of the pain and love I feel, this duality that battles inside me at all times…I would do it all again to have them both in my life. No matter how short my time was with Evan. And his time with Addi.
Thinking back on the last six months, twelve days and eighteen hours by the time I actually post this…I don’t even know where I have been or who I have been. I have been here, but not really. It is so difficult to explain because I am not even sure of it myself. I just feel love toward Addi and then there is sadness. Where many other emotions should be: I just am. I don’t know how to grieve. But I think this is part of the process…I don’t really know why I am writing all of this on here…I guess I want those that knew Evan and myself, whoever that is, to know that I have things in mind and in motion to keep his memories alive, to help Addi get to know Evan in the only way she gets to now, to help her understand what I am going through…and to help me understand it I suppose.
I was going to post a picture to go with this post and all of the pictures I have previously uploaded pop up and I can’t help but feel like I am not that person. I have these memories, these great and happy memories, but they feel like they aren’t really mine. I was there. I know the details intimately, but I feel so disconnected and disjointed from them, and from everyone and everything. It is only recently, since I have gotten my own place for Addi and I that I feel like I am her mother again, but it’s not in the same way…
Somehow I have to figure out how to fuse the old me with the one that is left here. Life as I once knew it will never be the same. I will never be the same. Evan changed my life in so many ways, so many times, and the only comfort I can find is in knowing I gave him happiness and love and peace when we were together.