Meteors

Well hello there…

Today starts the Perseids meteor shower that will take place over the next few days.  The peak is on the morning of the 13th if you read this in any time sensitive capacity.  I remember the first summer Evan and I lived together and this meteor shower occurred.  I had just gotten off my closing manager shift at the movie theater.  Evan had pulled out our huge blue comforter (the one our daughter is currently sleeping on) and he had it waiting in the grassy area beside the apartment’s parking lot.  It was a little chilly so he had grabbed an extra blanket (yes it was chilly in August-we were in western Washington; it was 2am; I am always cold); he learned my quirks quickly.  We laid there beside each other, holding hands and giggled and exclaimed excitement every time we saw a meteor.  It was beautiful and it was romantic.

I just went up to my crow’s nest (upstairs deck) to see if I could make out any meteors.  It is the first night and it is only about forty-five minutes after sunset, so no luck, but I am hopeful.


My mother-in-law and I were talking about a wedding she was invited to at the end of summer.  It just so happens to be the day after the one year mark of Evan’s passing.  And you see, the thing we have to remember is that that day will come.  I know it will come because the day after he passed came around, some how, it still happened.  I didn’t know how I was going to face the days, the weeks, the months after Evan passed, yet I have, because the world hasn’t stopped.  That is probably the saddest thing because my personal world did, but everything else just kept going, and it continues to do so.

Nothing was going to stop what happened from happening.  Evan did not get hit by a drunk driver.  He did not pass away due to negligence.  It was uncontrollable, as uncontrollable as the world is.  And it is hard.  Yet, here I am facing a new day…thank goodness for Addison.

Worth It

Eight months. Six hours. Two minutes. It’s hard to wrap my mind around everything, around anything. I am trying to be present, but I feel so disconnected…

Addi and I just got back from seeing our family and friends in Maine—those we obtained thanks to Evan. I was talking with someone that was close to Evan about the last few months, the almost year, and I couldn’t believe how distant I felt from my own memories. I have been pushing myself and my moments aside in some ways because I don’t want to lose stories about Evan. I don’t want to lose those memories so it is almost like I am blocking other things from entering my memory bank. I am living in the moment, trying to enjoy every second I have with Addi, but when I look back on last week, last month…I just don’t feel like I was actually apart of any it in some ways.

I’m thinking about Addi and I’s trip to Maine: we just got back yesterday. We stayed for a week. I drove us up the coast and back down. We had a blast. I know it. I can give examples and explain why we had fun and what we did, but at the same time I don’t feel it. I don’t feel like I was there fully…reflecting on it, keeping record is all I can do right now I suppose…

So, I decided spur of the moment to take Addi to Maine. We haven’t seen Ev’s mom or brother since September, just after Evan passed.  I knew it was going to be hard but I felt that the timing was right—I just finished my spring grad courses and I was about to pick up more hours at my part-time job, but before I did I wanted to see more people that were connected to Evan.  I didn’t want there to be any pressure for planning Evan’s celebration of life or anything of that sort, just a visit.  I am not too familiar with Maine and I wanted to get more of a feel for it before I figured out where to host the celebration. I wanted to hear stories about Evan that I didn’t know or couldn’t recall and I wanted to reminisce with his old friends. It was a success. It was hard too, but that’s a daily struggle. It was worth it. Addi and I made new memories and I was able to tell her about places and things Evan and I did when we had come up to Maine. His mom and friends got to tell both of us lots of stories from when he was younger.

I want to have his celebration of life on his birthday because that’s what you do on your birthday—you celebrate. I don’t want to be at home upset because he isn’t here. I want to embrace his/our family and share stories. I want to celebrate the life he had, not mourn the life he was deprived of. Again, something I struggle with everyday. This August I am going to take Addi to Washington to celebrate Evan’s life with the friends and family we have there. It will be hard, as all of this is and has been and will continue to be, but it will be worth it.

I will eventually post about the actual trip to Maine and maybe even some pictures, but for now I just wanted to throw out there that Addi and I’s next trip will be to Washington in early August.

Plans never go as planned…

I never thought at 27 I would have to plan my husband’s celebration of life. I put off doing a funeral for a number of reasons.  Number 1 being that I didn’t want to have a funeral for Evan.  He was such a unique and amazing man I didn’t want anyone, myself especially, to feel like they are saying goodbye.  I’m not naive enough to think that by allowing myself to put off having a service of any kind for him, I haven’t faced the reality that he is gone.  You see, I face that reality every morning when I wake up and he isn’t beside me and when Addi is crying for her daddy and when I go to pick up my phone to tell him about my day or ask him a question that only he would know and after Addi falls asleep and the house is quiet and I am alone.  You see, this happens daily; multiple times a day the reality hits me.

A celebration of life will allow me to record stories and memories of Evan and put them together for Addi. I have just waited to feel like I can deal with seeing everyone and hearing all of their stories.  I am worried it will feel like the only time I will see them and hear them and I don’t want that.  I want to talk about Evan daily with multiple people.  I want to see his friends and family; I just don’t want to do it without Evan.  It is inevitable. It is out of my control. But, I want to honor him and I want others to do so as well. So, it is time to start putting some things together. I want to have a celebration in Washington, Maine and North Carolina. He had friends and family in each and I want everyone to meet Addison. I want to get together with everyone to honor my husband, who was much more than just that. Details will come and I am sure I will write about the process as it develops. I felt like if I write down that I am going to start planning it I will have to start planning it. So, here it is…

Jogging?

I actually ran on the beach today.  I moved back to live around family after Evan passed and Addi and I recently got our own home around them.  It is an awesome little pad.  Top floor of a duplex beach house.  The beach is five houses down.  And I actually went for a jog.  On the beach.  Of course this was a short affair, but nonetheless I did it.  It ended with me laying in the sand listening to the waves, and who am I kidding that is how the majority of my time “jogging” went, but I did get my adrenaline pumping.  I did think of Evan.  And Addi.  And I got sad, but then I got to thinking of the times Evan and I went jogging together.

There were that few of occasions, but man were they funny thinking back on them.  Let’s just say that the first one was supposed to be an athletic date of sorts when we were still getting to know one another, I mean obviously since I went on a jog for a date (who does that), but he showed up with his two nephews and his niece’s boyfriend.  I mean I don’t jog so this was a bit intimidating to begin with, let alone adding more people to it…and the second one was mostly me getting to stare at his physically fit form as I walked behind him until he took pity on me and turned us back to our apartment.

I actually wrote these memories in my journal, which I haven’t picked up since I sewed my fancy cover around Christmas.  And by the time I was done writing them down I was smiling.  Maybe I will try this elusive jogging again…

I am so tired of talking to his picture.  I wish it were him.  But, I know he is listening.  I know what he would say in response.  I know he is with me.